My pain is so tangible. I can reach it out and touch it. It’s everywhere, consuming me, killing me. I don’t even realise how long it has been eating me on the insides.

I always break. The actual physical ache that I feel in my chest and in my bones when I’m so sad is fucking awful and I know that it will never go away despite how much I put my emotions aside and believe that I’ll be a stronger person in the long run.

I think about the pain people go through when relationships and friendships break down and fall apart. How in the world we are expected to just get on with things and be okay when we’re barely capable of thinking a thought or memory that doesn’t involve the other person?

When you really care about someone, genuinely and deeply, love them with all your heart, it doesn’t just get vanished no matter how bad and terrible the ending is.

I really think that the whole reason for this pain is that we care so much. We don’t know how to deal with losing something or just a part of ourselves that once made us happy. Because we don’t want to.

I don’t know about anyone else but I wish that I could simply erase whole portions of my life or people from my memory at some points.

But I am so glad that I can’t.

Once I finally reach the point that I’m no longer sad or angry, I love looking back on the happy times and that ultimately I’m stronger. I love being able to point out my mistakes and learn from them. I love being able to remember people who were good to me at my bad time and supported me  and also the people who were bad to me so I can throw up red flag next time.

And in the end, I’ll be happiest person the world will ever know.


Mad mad love

Can you see her? She is right there. A chirpy, pretty girl who smiles and giggles and one can definitely define her as the most beautiful creature God has put on this Earth to ease one’s pain or brighten up their normal days. And one day, he saw her. And he believed that she is the one true love of his life and she is there to make his purposeless life less miserable. He loses his sleep thinking how he’d stroke her bright, wavy hair, looking at her big brown eyes and telling her that he loves her. He imagines when she says yes, his life would somehow turn around for the better. He falls in love with the idea of having that heavenly beauty all to himself. He falls in love with the idea of her. But little did he know, what was coming for him. 

And that girl, that pretty girl, she was bit of a clumsy, insecure,scatterbrained mess, badly in need of someone to remind her she matters, to hold her when she falls, to solve her silly little problems that bothered her sensitive heart way more than they should, to hold her fragile body strongly, and protect her against all that might hurt her in the slightest. He was sure of the fact that she is a mess that needs to be untangled. He falls in love with the idea of being a hero that she needs. 

Easy to love, right? People pine over her because she is just that adorable. 

If only they knew how hard she is to be loved by. It’s all perfect loving her from afar but if you’re unlucky as to be the one she chooses to love, it is going to hurt you more than you can imagine. She is a saddist in love. She is a bad lover. She ruins all that she touches, she damages all that she loves. She loves badly, she loves madly. She loves with a fire in her heart that burns her and drags you too as well. 

She will no longer be the pretty little girl who smells of roses and dreams. Because when she loves someone with all she has got, she doesn’t keep any love saved up for herself. She forgets to love herself when she loves you. 

She loves like thunder and lightening, the kind of thunder that makes your heart tremble. She is not the kind of lightening that lights up the sky but the kind that burns entire village to ashes. 

She loves like coffee. Not the way you like it with added sugar and milk but in it’s true nature. She will leave you bitter to your core. 

She will teach you the meaning behind ‘love hurts’. She will love you with a passion, the kind of passion that drives her crazy and leaves you no choice but be a part of her madness with her. She will purposefully cut you and then shed tears on the scars. She will be both your prison and your saviour and you will both love and hate the fact that you cannot leave. Her words will pierce your mind and your soul. Her tears will burn holes in your heart. She will leave you and runs back into your arms the next moment. 

She will drive you crazy and torture you because that’s the only way she knows how to love, badly. She is a bad lover, a mad lover. But is she easy to love? 

What if

What if I told you, I wanted to die?

That I am tired of living, being alive.

What if I say it gets worse at night?

The thoughts get louder and nothing is right.

What if I lied and said everything is alright?

No, I am not crying, I swear I am alright.

What if I died?

I doubt you would even cry.

Would you even care if I took my own life?




You were the last hope I had in my life. You were the first,the only, and probably will be the last positive person in my life.
No matter how bad you acted, I considered you the kindest person I have ever met. No matter what happened between us,how badly things went for us, I had never let you go. Even at times when you hated me, had pity on me for what I did in my life, I sticked on to you.
Ever wondered why? That was not easy. Putting everything else down just for you, trust me that was not easy.
All that I did was because I believed in you. I wondered how anyone soo amazing and loving and soo perfect is in my life. I adored you like hell. I hope you know that. At times I went crazy for silly little things, out of jealousy maybe, but that was because I was completely in love with you. I fought with you madly. But I always believed that you are mine. Just mine. I left behind all my past so that I can live my present with you. I loved my life the way it was going,with you standing beside me.
But today everything changed. I couldn’t believe what my own eyes read. How can it possibly be true? I don’t want this to be true. All my unconditional love for you, all the blind trust on you is destroyed within seconds. And now I cannot trust any human on this planet for the rest of my life. I don’t want to see you ever again. Thank you so much for turning my life from a mess to a positive one. And thank you even more for putting me in that mess again.

If a loved one tells you that they have depression or anxiety, it doesn’t mean that they need a reminder of how wonderful or fulfilling their life is. They do not need to be told to pray more often and to ask God for contentment. You can not tell them to just not be sad and expect them to magically pull themselves out of all the insecurities, trauma, regrets, anger, bad choices that they’ve made, and sad emotions. They need support. They need professional help. They need you to be understanding of their condition because trust me, it takes a lot of nerve to open up about something that usually people ignore and tell “it’s just in your head”.

Remember, you can not cure them by presenting them a catalouge of all the blessings in their life. A person suffering from such condition needs advice telling him to “just participate in life”about as much as a wheelchair-bound person needs to be told to just get up and walk!

You can not cure depression with prayers and getting the depressed person to pray anymore than you can cure a stomach ache or a flu by prayers.

Most importantly, you can not cure mental illness by telling the person they have no reason to have that illness in the first place because that will just end up making them feel guilty and ashamed for something they’ve no control over.

Please be considerate towards people who already have many a battle to fight within themselves. It is not necessary that the people suffering from depression/anxiety are poor or physically disabled. Anyone can suffer mental illness. It is important to take care our loved ones, if they’re going through depression. 


A lot has happened in the past year, when I look back. Good and bad. I laughed, I cried, I got my heart broken. I thought things couldn’t get any worse and they did. And then I thought things couldn’t go any better and well, they did! 

And I changed. I changed as a person. I began to see things differently. I began to see myself in a different light. I realised how powerful my thoughts were and how they have affected my personality till the day. Honestly, I used to be this negative person, always crying and complaining about things not working out, even hurting myself when things go bad. I was a pessimist. I used to think that I wasn’t much, that the world around me wasn’t much. I used to think that everyone is broken inside. I thought that the world was mad, mad in the lack of happiness, mad in its desire to be loved. 

And I, I wasn’t any different. I wasn’t any better. I guess that we never realise that who we are as a person. We are who we are for others to accept us, like us, admire us, fall in love with us. We always pretend to be someone we are not! Our actions don’t match our thoughts, and our words don’t match our actions. And we do the same thing to others too. They tell us who they are, how they want to be treated but we just want them to be who we want them to be or who we need them to be or who we have always imagined them to be. 

Changing this is difficult. Changing yourself in order to act the way you want is difficult. Changing who you are because you want to become the person you have always wanted to be is an almost impossible task. 

But why? Why can’t we change ourselves in order to get rid of the miseries of our life? 

Because we get trapped in our comfort zone. And in this mind numbing routine. We do the same thing over and over again. We die one day at a time. We stop seeing beyond appearances, we stop facing things. But stepping out of the comfort zone is what makes you feel alive! Truly. Doing what you have always been afraid of doing makes you grow as a person. 

Life is not only meant to be lived, it is also meant to be faced with all the goods and the bad and all the scary stuffs. All the risks, the craziness, and the randomness. Change is sometimes painful and hard. But ultimately, change is inevitable. So instead of fighting our inner demons, we should dedicate our energy on shaping who we become… 

It has been a year since you left me. If only I could keep a count on how many days left till I finally let go of you. It’s weird,you not being here,but now I have to accept that somethings are not meant to be fixed and some people are not meant to be together. I know I am too strong to fall apart from this one blow. I am too smart to cry over someone who wasn’t meant to stay by my side. I am too complete in myself to need anyone in my life,ever.

I don’t know how many days it takes me to let go of you,but I am not dumb enough to understand that this is not the end of the world. Because it is not.

Though I ask myself,what possibly would have been the reason for you to leave me like this. I don’t understand. I gave you all my love. I loved you with all my heart and now,now you have left me a you-shaped hole in my heart which I don’t know how long will it take to recover.

But dear,listen to me now,listen to what this broken heart wants to say to you.

 In the blink of an eye,I will no longer remember the way you said my name and the feeling it caused in my whole body. I will not think about your hand moving on my skin,for even a second. I will not crave for your lips on mine. I will feel nothing when I see you calling someone else “mine” with the same sparkle in your eyes as you used to have when you used to claim me. My heart will not skip a beat after seeing your name appear on my cellphone,if it ever did. My heart will not yearn to see those shiny brown eyes of yours. I will not ache to touch your cheeks and push back hairs from your forehead. I will not replay the moment you left,a thousand times over in my head. I will stop everything.

And when I’ll look at you,between the classes,everything else will stay intact around us,until it’s just you and me in this world,like the way it used to be. I’ll pass you by in the hallway and maybe,just maybe,our shoulders will collide but then your touch won’t awake any kind of pain,love,lust or madness inside me. I will smile,love and laugh again. I will live again.

But right now,right now my world is falling apart. I can’t breathe. I needed you then. I need you now. I bury my face in the pillow,every night before I fall asleep,and scream because mere tears are not enough to let out all the pain that’s inside me. I can’t stop thinking about the way you said my name,the way your arms felt so strong yet gentle around me,the way I felt thousands of butterflies in my stomach when you told me you love me. But the most of all I can’t stop thinking about the way you told me how things have changed for you right before leaving me. And it pains me more than I can tolerate.

At this moment,no matter who tells me how amazing and strong and beautiful I am and how this heartbreak won’t even matter years from now,it will not help ease my pain. All the chocolates,love songs, jokes,rebounds and motivational talks in the world can’t help me. And right now,at this moment,no matter how strong I am,no matter how better off we  are without each other,it hurts me. It hurts me to breathe. It hurts to live in a world where you’re not mine. And it hurts to think of a time when this pain will pass and it will stop hurting because then,my love, I would have lost whatever little I have left of you.