Change

A lot has happened in the past year, when I look back. Good and bad. I laughed, I cried, I got my heart broken. I thought things couldn’t get any worse and they did. And then I thought things couldn’t go any better and well, they did! 

And I changed. I changed as a person. I began to see things differently. I began to see myself in a different light. I realised how powerful my thoughts were and how they have affected my personality till the day. Honestly, I used to be this negative person, always crying and complaining about things not working out, even hurting myself when things go bad. I was a pessimist. I used to think that I wasn’t much, that the world around me wasn’t much. I used to think that everyone is broken inside. I thought that the world was mad, mad in the lack of happiness, mad in its desire to be loved. 

And I, I wasn’t any different. I wasn’t any better. I guess that we never realise that who we are as a person. We are who we are for others to accept us, like us, admire us, fall in love with us. We always pretend to be someone we are not! Our actions don’t match our thoughts, and our words don’t match our actions. And we do the same thing to others too. They tell us who they are, how they want to be treated but we just want them to be who we want them to be or who we need them to be or who we have always imagined them to be. 

Changing this is difficult. Changing yourself in order to act the way you want is difficult. Changing who you are because you want to become the person you have always wanted to be is an almost impossible task. 

But why? Why can’t we change ourselves in order to get rid of the miseries of our life? 

Because we get trapped in our comfort zone. And in this mind numbing routine. We do the same thing over and over again. We die one day at a time. We stop seeing beyond appearances, we stop facing things. But stepping out of the comfort zone is what makes you feel alive! Truly. Doing what you have always been afraid of doing makes you grow as a person. 

Life is not only meant to be lived, it is also meant to be faced with all the goods and the bad and all the scary stuffs. All the risks, the craziness, and the randomness. Change is sometimes painful and hard. But ultimately, change is inevitable. So instead of fighting our inner demons, we should dedicate our energy on shaping who we become… 

It has been a year since you left me. If only I could keep a count on how many days left till I finally let go of you. It’s weird,you not being here,but now I have to accept that somethings are not meant to be fixed and some people are not meant to be together. I know I am too strong to fall apart from this one blow. I am too smart to cry over someone who wasn’t meant to stay by my side. I am too complete in myself to need anyone in my life,ever.

I don’t know how many days it takes me to let go of you,but I am not dumb enough to understand that this is not the end of the world. Because it is not.

Though I ask myself,what possibly would have been the reason for you to leave me like this. I don’t understand. I gave you all my love. I loved you with all my heart and now,now you have left me a you-shaped hole in my heart which I don’t know how long will it take to recover.

But dear,listen to me now,listen to what this broken heart wants to say to you.

 In the blink of an eye,I will no longer remember the way you said my name and the feeling it caused in my whole body. I will not think about your hand moving on my skin,for even a second. I will not crave for your lips on mine. I will feel nothing when I see you calling someone else “mine” with the same sparkle in your eyes as you used to have when you used to claim me. My heart will not skip a beat after seeing your name appear on my cellphone,if it ever did. My heart will not yearn to see those shiny brown eyes of yours. I will not ache to touch your cheeks and push back hairs from your forehead. I will not replay the moment you left,a thousand times over in my head. I will stop everything.

And when I’ll look at you,between the classes,everything else will stay intact around us,until it’s just you and me in this world,like the way it used to be. I’ll pass you by in the hallway and maybe,just maybe,our shoulders will collide but then your touch won’t awake any kind of pain,love,lust or madness inside me. I will smile,love and laugh again. I will live again.

But right now,right now my world is falling apart. I can’t breathe. I needed you then. I need you now. I bury my face in the pillow,every night before I fall asleep,and scream because mere tears are not enough to let out all the pain that’s inside me. I can’t stop thinking about the way you said my name,the way your arms felt so strong yet gentle around me,the way I felt thousands of butterflies in my stomach when you told me you love me. But the most of all I can’t stop thinking about the way you told me how things have changed for you right before leaving me. And it pains me more than I can tolerate.

At this moment,no matter who tells me how amazing and strong and beautiful I am and how this heartbreak won’t even matter years from now,it will not help ease my pain. All the chocolates,love songs, jokes,rebounds and motivational talks in the world can’t help me. And right now,at this moment,no matter how strong I am,no matter how better off we  are without each other,it hurts me. It hurts me to breathe. It hurts to live in a world where you’re not mine. And it hurts to think of a time when this pain will pass and it will stop hurting because then,my love, I would have lost whatever little I have left of you.

Losing you

I was not a writer back then, I will admit. Just another girl, hopelessly suffocated by love.

And then one fine day, you came into my life like a blessing. I didn’t know what to do as you were one of the few good things happened to me ever. I wondered why God has sent a person like you to love a girl like me? I have done no good in my entire life, lost everyone’s trust and faith. A part of me hated myself. But all of me loved every part of yours. I hid the truth as I was afraid of the demons of my past to destroy everything I have with you.

And happily, you stole my heart and I didn’t mind. I saw you taking care of it and I held onto it. I remember the time I sat in silence and cried my heart out.

You tried fixing a broken girl, but love, some just cannot be fixed.

I am writing it to you, after cheating on you. Ironic? I agree too. Is it a poem about how sorry I am? No. If you ask me, it is about how I truly feel for you concealed behind an apology.

 

 

Lost

Snapchat-319358789.jpgHave you ever been lost? No, I don’t mean getting lost while travelling or while visiting a new place. But mentally, lost. When you don’t know what’s coming next or what should you do or how to survive. That’s a terrible feeling, getting lost. You have your friends yet you cannot speak a word to anyone. You are surrounded by lots of humans yet there is no one to rescue you from the demon wrestling in your mind,destroying you. You are not able to think. Right seems wrong and wrong seems delightful. What do you do now? Where to go? Because there is no place in this universe where you can escape. From yourself.

There’s something off about me and I know it. I will never fit in. It makes me sick to think how much time I have wasted trying to be liked, how much time I have wasted worrying about what other people will think about me. I don’t want to care but I can’t help it. It hurts that people don’t like me. It’s always there, The longing.

Be Yourself

An amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and start doing what you love,and what makes makes you happy. Your life literally slows down. You stop wishing for the weekend and holidays. You stop merely looking forward to special events. You start to live your each and every moment. You start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life,with this feeling of joy and contentment. You move fluidly,steadily,calm and grateful. A veil is lifted and a whole new perspective is born.

Be Yourself :))